uncomfortable road

I've made a hard decision that I thought I would never do.

And the truth is, it makes me sad too. And I'm still feeling so bad, and uncertain at times. Because hurting others was never my intention.

It's always confusing to choose between what is right and what is easy. Between what we know, and what we feel.

But I'm so thankful that this decision left me with no regret. I get upset, but up until now it feels right. InshaAllah.

Of course it's an uncomfortable process, but it's growth anyway. Eventually and slowly but surely, everything will make sense and fall into their perfect places. Always set the right intention, keep trying and trust Allah to open the best doors for all of us.

And there's an unhealthy habit of mine, which is when I get hurt, I tend to force myself to be cold and heartless as a shield to cover my pain. But who I'm trying to fool anyway? I'm the feeler, heartless is never who I really am. And I prefer everything warmer.

Now I'm learning a new trait, which is to be kind to myself and the people around me. To stop holding anything against anyone. It's not yet who I am, but it's what I could be.

Because perhaps I'm no longer wishing to be a concrete 'titanium', but rather a blooming garden.

I choose to be content, and whole again.

Amin.

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Everyone has their own struggle of becoming better. Think twice before we judge! :)

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Dalam Sembuh

Kata mereka -- ilham itu paling lebat mencurah saat kejatuhan, saat hati menunduk rebah.
Tapi mengapa ketika aku menggenggam pena, yang tercatat hanya noktah?

Hati lebih memilih untuk menghambur rasa bersama suara dan doa, melalui tangisan di bahu manusia atau pada sujud terakhir yang menjadi rahsia aku dan Dia.
Kerana waktu itu, enggan kuabadikan rasa yang pahit dalam tulisan. Pedih itu, tidak mahu ku kenang dan simpan buat diriku di masa hadapan.

Masa hadapan yang kini bergelar;
Sekarang.

Mungkin bukan langit yang berubah lebih cerah, tetapi hati-hati kita yang bercantum lebih tabah.
Kerana kita mula akur pada takdir, walau belum sepenuhnya ikhlas.
Dan kerana kita belajar bahawa pelangi yang dikirimkan Tuhan itu jauh lebih indah, meski harus disingkap sang awan agar terlihat jelas.
Dan bahawa rasa sakit itu tidak melemahkan, sebaliknya kita yang terkadang memilih untuk tersungkur lemah dalam kesakitan.
Dan hakikatnya masa tidak pernah menjadi penyembuh, sebaliknya Tuhan yang menyembuhkan seiring masa.

Terpanggil aku menggagahkan hati untuk kembali menoreh aksara dan melipat duka, seringkasnya sekadar buat tongkat diri andai berbalut luka di masa hadapan.

Teruntuk kamu, dari masa lalumu;
Pedih itu tidak selamanya kekal di situ, selagi kamu bergerak lurus menuju Tuhan—selagi itu tidak terputus tali harapan.

 
 

 

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Everyone has their own struggle of becoming better. Think twice before we judge! :)

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2020 dah. Mana kereta terbang?

Guess who has been pretending to be busy for the whole year and forgot that she has a blog but it doesn't matter because no one’s gonna read either? Yaaaaaasss sayalah orangnya hihi.

To summarise my 2019, here’s a list of the things I’m thankful for, Alhamdulillah :

1.       My brother got engaged and married a few months later, Kak Farah orang Perak so we got to go for family trips twice hehe. So now I have an extra brother and sister in the family :D Rasa terharu and happy sebab my family has grown bigger.

2.       Finished my internship in KQT (June-August). It was a great 3 months journey with Ain, along with our UIA crime partners Sal & Sarah. The staffs were amazingly helpful and treated us kindly too, and there were quite a lot of things we learnt (laminate was my major specialty haha). Somehow I gotta say the cons is kerja tak banyak jadi kami agak kebosanan BUT it was also considered as the pros sebab kami boleh chill and food hunting time lunch hour hihi.

It was nice to go back to my old highschool every single day, although it didn’t feel the same.. But at least I got the chances to lepak at Kafe Kakna with my old girlfriends (they visited me a few times), and created memories with the new awesome ones too.

3.       Wrapped my one year portfolio as the Vice President of NH club. And also Exco Ekonomi for the faculty student council. For some reasons it wasn’t pretty like all the time, there’re some ups and downs, but definitely worth every moment. I’m glad to be part of both, made new friends and widen my circle, also learnt a lot. My degree life is almost complete and feel extra meaningful, thanks to them all good people J 

Tahun ni dah bersara from everything because we need to start focusing on our final year stuffs, and perhaps treasuring memories in a different way.

4.       Went to MDS to see my soleh solehah kids. Selalunya pergi setiap semester tapi tahun ni sekali je sebab… Sebab segan hihi. Terharu sangat they still gave me a warm welcome dan duk buat small crowd macam ex-Tajah tengah bagi kuliah Subuh haha. Moga dalam jagaan Allah selalu, my sugar pies.

5.       Start business pasar malam online kecil-kecilan, just because I like to promote things (hasil belajar jadi Exco Ekonomi, business is now a fun thing although I’m still suck at numbers haha). Saya sekarang dropship Planner, ironless Sabella and also nail file. Hit me up if you’re interested hehe (tetiba iklan)

6.       I’ve mentioned about my BFF’s wedding sebelum ni, and new update : She already got a baby boy! I was freakin’ excited and so happy for her. Met her and Iskandar Zulkarnain on last January."">

Ya Allah I feel so old already. Three of my classmates got married masa intern, and there were a few of my IQT batchmates kawen jugak. Ni bukan statement yang membawa maksud saya pun eksaited nak kawen, bukan tau hahah. It’s just that I felt melancholic on how fast the time flies dan sumorang dah besar. Yes I’m jiwang like that and love to throwback things xD Faktor usia maybe.

I guess that’s all I could share. There’re more, tapi takpe la some things are better left unsaid gittewwww sungguh acah dan minta disekeh ya pernyataanmu ini.

Overall, segala puji bagi Allah yang menjadikan 2019 saya penuh senyum tawa dan tak kurang juga drama air mata sebab cengeng, but those were the things that guided me to become stronger and wiser, hopefully InshaAllah.

I plan on writing more for my blog this year, but we’ll see how it goes. Please give me least expectation for I might be idle again and come back only in February 2021 haha xD

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Everyone has their own struggle of becoming better. Think twice before we judge! :)

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2019, old me, with new shades

Here's a little hello from me, just a quick update on my hopefully-awesome journey.
Already jumping into a new semester, also a fresh new year Alhamdulillah. January has always been a free-trial month for me hehe, and February ya Allah is it just me or kenapa kenapa selalu rasa cepat sangat masa jalan? Tuptup dah nak masuk hujung bulan.
This year has become a starting point for me in quite a lot of things, banyak belajar benda baru, create new routines, terpaksa cancel plan nak jadi invisible sampai grad keke. And there are always the ups and downs, but I don't feel like ranting here (yet) cs I already got myself a planner to write personal things and also to be a bit well-organised, harapnya. Sorry blog, dirimu masih dianak-tirikan 😂 Should've bought it earlier, planner sangatlah best ok. It helps me to reflect myself and summarize my day setiap hari tanpa curi masa banyak, sebab column kecik je takleh tulis panjang hahaha kesian.
I'll try my best to improve more this year InshaAllah. Makin banyak belajar, makin sedar betapa berjutanya flaws yang ada pada diri, yang perlu diubah dibaiki. Bila kita digoncang dengan ujian, time tu boleh nampak segala yang keluar dari segi perkataan & perlakuan, baik ke buruk. Because people are mostly like a cup of coffee, we'll spill what's inside us. Dan banyaknya toxic in my own cup yang perlu dicurah keluar, diganti dengan isi yang baik-baik.
May Allah ease everything for us.

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Everyone has their own struggle of becoming better. Think twice before we judge! :)

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